Suspended Animation

Ever have one of those weekends where everything feels a bit off? Nothing is planned and yet you're out until 5:30 am on Friday - but home by 11pm on Saturday?

Stranger things have happened. But it's unclear if they've ever been written about in haiku form.

Flash

Two Patel parties
Digital cameras abound
Crazy shutter bugs

It's True

Strangest 5 minutes

"We cannot have cake in here."

So says the waiter.

This Event Actually Happened Last Weekend

Near Lower East Side

A warm night, but a ways off.

Bicycle taxi.

Late

12:30 night done?

Apparently not this week.

5 am pizza.

Trash-Tastic

I'm not entirely sure how to introduce this one. I've always liked commercial art, urban archaeology, found objects, and official government issue items. And I'm cheap.

That's right, I pick up trash and take it home. The Barnes and Noble near my apartment throws out books, and who am I to say no? I have several slightly dog-eared pulp novels that might even qualify as collector's items thanks to B&N. Last winter, when I moved into my apartment, they even threw out swivel desk chairs in good condition. (Guess what I have in my room right now.)

But these objects - the ones that are actually being discarded and can be construed as "useful" - aren't the half of it. The other half consists of my collection of "found" street signs. I found them, they're mine. So there.

As is the case with most questionable passions, I blame my father. When I was a kid, I discovered that we owned a YIELD sign. It was in nearly mint condition and it lived in our basement, along with all of my father's other grad school junk. (Keep in mind that my father had been out of grad school for at least thirteen years at this point. Apparently, it had once served as a nightstand, stacked atop a few cinder blocks.) I once asked him if he had stolen it. Somewhat taken aback, he replied that he got it from someone - implying that he knew someone who made them. Several years later, it came to my attention that street signs are usually made in prisons. I know I've asked him about the sign in recent years, but I still get the same fuzzy answers.

When I went to college, I asked my father if I could have the YIELD sign. He said no - some concern about the university thinking I'd stolen it. (Ironic.) It still lives in my parents house amongst my father's old grad school junk (now consigned to a room above the garage by my mother). I have decided that he must be saving it for my inheritance or something. Instead, I decided to start my own collection. These days, I have a small assortment of road signs and university issued "keep off the steps" works. They're my pride and joy.

Unfortunately, I haven't acquired many new pieces of note since moving to New York. I once saw a downed street cleaning sign on 23rd by 7th avenue on my way to the post office, but it was broad daylight and I was in a rush. That's usually the case with these things.

Until now. A few weeks ago, I was walking home from a night of merrymaking with some friends in the East Village. Not two blocks from my apartment, I came across a downed "No Standing" sign. It was late and no one was around. The sign was still attached to its pole. Even though it was after midnight, I dashed home and came back with a screwdriver, a wrench and pliers. I ran into one of my roommates on the way into my building - she was a bit tipsy and was really supportive of my sign-finding mission. Not supportive enough to come back around the block with me though. Hmmph.

I got my tools and high-tailed it back to the sign. It was still there! (For some reason, I sometimes delude myself into thinking that *everyone* must have the same great ideas as I do.) I got to work. I must have wrangled with that sign for a good half an hour - front, back, sides - before realizing that I was too cold and too tired (among other things) to have any chance at detaching it from the pole. For a brief moment, I entertained carrying the sign home still attached to the pole (we did that once in college, but I had two similarly-minded assistants). Also, I still had to cross an avenue to get home and street signs on poles are rather conspicuous.

Eventually, I admitted defeat and went back to my apartment to go to bed. I'll get you next time, "No Parking."

To be continued, with more signs, I hope.

Baby, this Ain't LA

Last Thursday night, I walked home on the east side of Broadway. I was heading to my apartment from the subway after a long day at work, the gym, a few errands - nothing special. It's hardly notable that I walked on the east side, except that I always walk on the west side because I turn west to get to my building. It was just past 10pm and the shops on both sides of the street were already shuttered for the night. I walked north; traffic flows south and always blows the lingering scent of incense from the long-gone street vendor into my face.

I can't say I even noticed the noises around me - I'm guessing that there were a few echoing slaps of wood against concrete from the ever-present skateboarders, accompanied by their shouts. I imagine there must have been dull traffic roars, hissing to silence as the light changed from yellow to red at the end of the block.

And then I heard music. It was coming from a car, but it wasn't the usual THUMP-DUMP bass bursting through closed windows. This tune had a clear, twangy rock and roll guitar. It was getting louder. I looked up the street. A faceless blue sedan with all of the windows rolled down was cruising south on Broadway. The driver was a standard guy - probably late 20s, glasses, vaguely hipster. Only he was smiling. I looked at him and laughed, then turned away as I didn't want him to think I was staring at him. Though really, there wouldn't have been anything wrong with that.

I turned around to watch him drive away.

As I suspected - California license plates.

Because no one else would cruise Broadway at 10pm on a random Thursday.

Brain Implant

I've been meaning to write about this subject for some time, only it's so inconsequential that even writing nothing took higher priority. Until now.

Certain female celebrities like to sport what I call the "brain implant" hairdo. It's not a new thing, and it's certainly not an attractive thing. The Duff sisters, the Simpson sisters, and lately, Scarlet Johansson, all occasionally step out in public with this ridiculous style. The front, center section of the hair above the forehead is gathered and pulled back over the head, as if to make a pony tail. However, the sides, beginning at the temples, are left to hang. Then, with total disregard for the laws of gravity, the top section is pushed forward so that it stands up. There are a couple variations, as you can seen in the photos below. They're not the best examples, but you get the picture.

Ew.

Generally, I don't care what celebrities do with their hair, their makeup, their bodies. It's not my problem. This hairstyle, though, has taken off amongst some of the young women of New York. Unfortunately, they are my problem as I see them every day. And I am one. Whatever.

I don't know what it is about this particular hairstyle that irks me so much. In theory, it's pleasant - it covers wayward ears and provides volume. True, it leaves some huge foreheads exposed, but you can't have everything.

I guess it's just that it looks like the wearer has had a GIANT ALIEN BRAIN IMPLANT and that she's trying to cover it up with her hair.

Then again, some of the women of New York could use another helping of brain, so maybe I'm just being "brainist."

Who's the Big Winner?

Apparently, me! I won both the UK *and* the Swiss Lottery! How do I know? They sent me emails, of course!

I get the strangest spam. Most people get the Nigerian scams. Others get offers for pornography, male physical enhancements, and "work from home" schemes.

I get European lottery announcements.

TNE UK NATIONAL LOTTERY AWARD 2007
Mon, Apr 16, 2007 at 7:52 AM
Reply-To: agent_claims_office0007@yahoo.ie
To: undisclosed-recipients

16TH APRIL,2007.

ATTENTION: WINNER ,

You have been Selected in the UKONL 2007 Lottery Program. Our lottery program selection has finally been performed today which was held at the Marina office. UK Promotion is a joint Euro/America private lottery registered and organized in accordance with the World Lottery Regulation act.

We the The National Lottery organizing committee are pleased to officially notify ou of the status of your email application. An official notification of winning is hereby issued to you as your email promotion ticket randomly drew for the Lucky Numbers: 31-17-8-28-55 [08] Bonus Ball ,which selected your email as the 2ND winner of our lottery program you have consequently won the lottery program in the first batch.Suffice to say here, We have officially approved a sum payout of £750,000.00 GBP to you as the lottery winner.

NAME: GRAY MOORE.

(CLAIMS OFFICER)Email:agent_claims_office0007@yahoo.ie

VERIFICATION AND FUNDS RELEASE FORM

SURNAME :

MIDDLE NAME:

AGE:

SEX:

ADDRESS:

COUNTRY:

WINNING EMAIL ADDRESS:

MARITAL STATUS:

OCCUPATION:

PHONE NUMBER:

FAX NUMBER:

LUCKY NUMBER :

REF NUMBER:

Congratulations from all our staff for being part of UK 2007 LOTTERY PROGRAM.

Sincerely,Marian Jones(Mrs)

Zonal Co-ordinator

The others are similar. I have one from THE FONDATION DE FRANCE(FDF)http://www.fdf.org and another from the Swiss Lottery that I almost want to answer. Swiss banks? Sign me up!

De Loterie Romande Rue Marterey 131002 Lausanne Switzerland.Reference Number: LR/19-CH/4310 Batch: LR/05/0018From:Mrs. Marylyn Nadal

Sir/Madam,CONGRATULATIONS!!!We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual draws of the DE LOTERIE ROMANDE Program International held on the 2nd nov, 2006. De Loterie Romande draws was conducted from an exclusive list of 60,000,000 e-mail addresses of individual and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer ballot search from the internet as part of our international promotions program which we conduct every year. No tickets were sold.

Your funds is now deposited in an offshore bank with a hardcover insurance. Due to the mix up of some numbers and names, we advice that you keep this award from public notice until your claim has been processed and your money remitted to you as this is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unwarranted taking advantage of this program by the general public. Your winning Prize of €2,000,000.00 (Two Million Euros) would be released to you by our affiliate bank in Europe.

Note that I received this email last week.

What I don't understand is where they are getting my name. I don't surf a lot of European sites. I suppose it's possibly they're forwards from my blog email, which may be picked up by random crawlers. Still - Europe? No one across the pond links to me.

And my personal favorite - I am the EXTEEMED WINNINER of AMSTERDAM!

From: POWERBALL-WHEEL E-GAME 2007 <sam07@xtra.co.nz>

Date: Apr 3, 2007 9:09 AM

Subject: EXTEEMED WINNINER

To: undisclosed-recipients

POWERBALL LOTTO. BV

POWERBALL-WHEEL E-GAME 2007

INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM

ADDRESS: Kruslann 205, 1098 SJ,Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

Dear Consolation Prize Winner, NOTICE OF CONSOLATION PRIZE WINNING!!!This email confirms that you have been notified of by the POWERBALLINTER LOTTO BV The Netherlands of your email lottery winning for 2007Powerball Lotto - Wheel E-game held on 3/21/2007 We wish to congratulate you on the selection of your email coupon number which was selected among the 45 lucky consolation prize winners.Prize Ref No.: PBL/CN/6654/CP Lottery Group: Consolation Prize Group Prize Amount: US $500,000 Five Hundred Thousand Dollars Only

Name: Mr.John Van Voort Email:j_vanvoort_1@yahoo.de

Tel: +31 616-735-356Fax: +31-847-520-588 WebSite:www.powerball.com

DRAW DATE: 3/21/2007

POWERBALL WINNING NUMBERS: 16,24,38,53,54,(bonus x5)Congratulations Once Again from all our staffs.

Yours truly, (Lottery Co-ordinator)Andre Van Duin

Weekend Noise

Spring Noise

4 am walk home

Now featuring bird songs, dawn.

Pleasantly eerie.

Jersey Noise

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

Sparking, clattering westward

Path train adventure

Wet Noise

Rain drops hit the roof

Splashing through the power lines

Outside my window

Underground Noise

Wheels on tracks, door chime

Normal subway noise, but still -

Some wimps plug their ears.

Icelandic Noise

Difficult reading

At a coffee shop that has

Dim lights and Bjork songs

Getting Things Done Noise

Red blue green and black

Squeaky marker on the board

New ideas take shape.

Brunch Indigestion Noise

Alone - delicious

Guacamole and coffee

As a pair - rumble.

Birthday Noise

Happy birthday Kjate.

Once a typo, now her name

The alien proof.

Building Rain

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. It rained nearly nonstop yesterday and it has to go somewhere. But today, the sun was shining, the smog was gleaming and I decided to take a walk down 6th Ave to get lunch instead of simply running across the street. I walked south on the west side of 6th, past the faceless office buildings, mailboxes and free newspaper stands.

That's when I felt it. Rain. No! It couldn't be! The sun was out! Of course I'm familiar with sun showers, but I didn't see any clouds at all. I tried to see the source, but I'm always loath to look up when I walk past the One Bryant Park construction. I am afraid falling skyscraper shrapnel will end up in my eyes.

I scurried through the series of partitions that the building company erected on the sidewalk and headed down to 41rst street. I was getting a bit cold, so in my rush I stopped paying attention to the rain. However, on my way back, I noticed the rain again, in the same spot - at 43rd Street.

How odd. I thought for a moment. It wasn't raining on 41rst Street. Was I at the edge of a raincloud? But it wasn't raining further north by my office. It was only raining on 43rd Street, on the west side of the block. Was it a block-sized raincloud? We're not talking a little mist, this was full on RAIN. It was like I was a cartoon character and there was a cartoon raincloud following me around.

Then I finally looked up. One Bryant Park was raining.

They were either hosing it off, or doing something to push the excess rainwater off of it, and it was blowing north. Ew.

At least my own private raincloud wasn't following me around.

Call Me

Oftentimes, I receive odd phone calls from my friends while I am at work. The calls range from Patel asking if I want to go to some watering hole or another, or Desert Boy making me work from work.

Sometimes, though, the phone calls don't make quite as much sense. There's less of a...clear purpose.

To wit: A few weeks ago, I received a call from one of my Burning Man friends, who I'll term PantsHem (he's got an eclectic nickname).

Pantshem called me around 4pm on a Friday. There was a lot of background noise, as if he was walking. He sounded out of breath.

"Hello?" I inquired tentatively.

"Hey! What's up?" he said, in the jubilant tone of those who do not work desk jobs.

"Not too much, just at the office."

"Ah. Well, anyhow, remember that housewarming party that I was going to have? Did I invite you to that? Well, I meant to."

Ok. So this is a party invitation. I hadn't remembered. Cool.

"It's tonight. Well, not really. So, it isn't actually happening."

"Wait, what?"

"I just wanted to let you know that we aren't having the party."

It may have been my recirculated-air addled brain, but I think Pantshem was inviting me to a party that didn't exist. Ok. Pretend nothing is weird.

"That's too bad. Why not?"

"Well, we don't have any furniture. We decided to postpone it."

Now, PantsHem lives up in NoHa, if they're calling it that yet. As in, about as far away from any pretensions as you can get and still be on Manhattan these days. A little lack of furniture shouldn't stop someone whose nickname is PantsHem (and I assure you that his real nickname isn't far off from that) - someone who makes phone calls to invite people to parties that aren't happening. I was really having trouble with this one. But I remained calm.

"Oh. I see. When do you think you're going to have it?"

"Dunno, not sure. Anyhow, gotta go! See you later!"

And with that, the phone went dead. Unreal.

Small Word

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, Castro IMed me on Google chat.

"Guess where I am?" he said.

Well, heck if I know. Castro is a bit of a free spirit.

"New York?" I wondered. Maybe he was in town.

"Cold," came the reply.

"San Francisco?" (The Duchess lives in San Francisco.)

"Colder."

Time to head east. "Africa!"

"Warmer."

After a bit more back and forth, I randomly guessed that he was in Vienna.

And why was he in Vienna?

For a week-long Indian wedding.

In the Hapsburg Palace.

Which apparently, has WIRELESS INTERNET.

I leave you to ponder that.

Crummy

For whatever reasons, namely *tradition*, I do a decent job of keeping Passover. No bread. No muffins. No tortillas. No chips. No pita. No crackers. No pasta. No rice. No quiche!

Notably, I have just listed about half of the things that I eat on a daily basis. (The other 50% being salads and the occasional omelet.)

Thus, it's Crumb Holiday for me this week. If you've ever been in the same room as a piece of matzah, you know what I mean.

So this week, I eat paste. On Matzah.

Salsa...on matzah.

Cheese...on matzah.

Guacamole...on matzah.

Hummus...on matzah.

Butter...on matzah.

Tomato sauce and cheese - matzah pizza!

Guac, salsa, cheese, onions and jalapenos - matzah nachos!

Note: any recipe for "matzah rolls" or "matzah bagels" should be ignored. While they are kosher for passover, they aren't kosher-for-people-with-good taste.

At least I can still eat salsa and omelets. What a ridiculous holiday.

PS - I have no idea what is going on with the picture, either. That's what happens when you do a Google Image search for "Matzah." No joke.

Metablog: One Year

Oh yes. I have been fueling this pile of self-indulgent nonsense with my pointless ramblings for 12 full months to the day. My original post appeared on April 2, 2006, which happened to be a Sunday for those of you keeping track at home.

Blogging for a year represents a significant milestone. Blogging for a year doesn't mean a thing.

This would be my blog's cake, if it were named "Princess Aliza."

Plenty of individuals fall off after a few posts. I was very excited that I made it to once month, even requesting presents. However, the curve gets even steeper after about 6 months. Still, others hit a year and change and vanish. It seems as though you'll make it to six years if you make it to two, though.

I could go through the whole balance sheet, detailing how my life has changed (and how it has remained the same) in year since I created LowConcept. Some ways are interesting, some ways are not. At least 50% are beyond the scope of my subject matter, which is to say INAPPROPRIATE for the public forum that is the eminently Googlable internet. You'll have to take me out for coffee if you want me to spill some of my secrets. Take me out for drinks if you want all of them, dinner if you want me to perform an interpretive dance based on the past year of my life.

In sum, I have no reaction to the fact that I've been blogging for a year. It's an excuse to have cupcakes...except Passover starts tonight. Perhaps I'll postpone those until next week and traipse around the Lower East Side on a Saturday night carrying a box of Sugar Sweet Sunshine like I did on my birthday back in September.

Here's to another year of pith! Cheers!

Blog Birthday Haiku

Twelve months of ranting.
Can be found on LowConcept.
More like no concept.

During the year past
Haiku, lots of lists,my feet
And all things subway.

In the year to come -
More content? More inquiry.
No. Just the funny.